The way that we behave in relationships and interact with others is often influenced by formative experiences from our early years. John Bowlby, the pioneer of attachment theory, believed that the nature of our bonds with our primary caregivers would form our attachment style. The way we are treated by these early caregivers influences our sense of security, trust, and how we handle closeness and distance in relationships.
Attachment Styles
There are four primary attachment styles, each reflecting different ways we connect with others:
- Secure Attachment
- Characteristics: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They trust others, feel confident in their relationships, and are generally able to communicate openly about their feelings.
- How it Develops: Securely attached individuals typically had caregivers who were responsive, loving, and consistent in their care. As a result, they grew up feeling safe and secure in their relationships.
- In Relationships: Secure individuals can form stable, healthy relationships. They are good at balancing closeness with personal space and are often seen as emotionally available partners. They can advocate for their needs and maintain self-respect while consistently remaining open to connection and affection.
- Anxious Attachment
- Characteristics: People with an anxious attachment style tend to crave closeness and approval from others, but they often also fear rejection and abandonment. They may be overly preoccupied with their relationships and constantly seek reassurance from their partners.
- How it Develops: Anxiously attached individuals often had caregivers who were inconsistent or unpredictable. They may have experienced periods of emotional neglect or unpredictability, which led them to become hyper-vigilant about maintaining emotional closeness.
- In Relationships: Those with an anxious attachment style may come across as clingy or needy. They might struggle with jealousy or feel insecure in their relationships, and may have a hard time trusting their partner’s love. They may also have a hard time advocating for themselves and setting boundaries as to not risk the security of the relationship.
- Avoidant Attachment
- Characteristics: Avoidantly attached individuals value independence and self-sufficiency. They often feel uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness and may avoid intimacy or suppress their emotions.
- How it Develops: Avoidant attachment often develops in response to caregivers who were emotionally distant or unresponsive. As a result, these individuals learned to rely on themselves for emotional support rather than seeking comfort from others. Avoidant attachment can also develop because of engulfment or profuse criticism from a caregiver.
- In Relationships: People with an avoidant attachment style might have difficulty expressing emotions or being vulnerable. They may pull away when their partner gets too close and have a strong need for personal space. They may also avoid conflict or withdraw completely when their partner brings relational issues to their attention.
- Disorganized Attachment
- Characteristics: Individuals with a disorganized attachment style often display behaviors that seem contradictory—seeking closeness but also pushing others away. They may have a deep fear of abandonment yet feel distrustful of others.
- How it Develops: Disorganized attachment often results from abuse, trauma, or neglect in childhood. Caregivers may have been frightening or unpredictable, leaving the child confused about how to seek comfort.
- In Relationships: People with a disorganized attachment style may struggle with trust and emotional regulation. They often feel caught between the desire for connection and a fear of being hurt. Their behaviour is often inconsistent, demonstrating aspects of anxious and avoidant attachment at different points in time.
It is also important to note that although there are four main attachment styles, many individuals will display characteristics of more than one of these styles. For example, a generally securely attached individual may lean anxious during times of increased stress.
The Impact of Attachment
Attachment style can create a significant impact upon our relationships and their ability to thrive. Often people of opposite attachment style are drawn together, creating an unhealthy relational dynamic. Commonly, people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are drawn together, recreating the unsatisfactory dynamic that was initiated between child and caregiver. The main relational aspects that are impacted by attachment style are communication (openness, preference of frequency, consistency), conflict resolution (coming together or moving apart in response to a conflict), and emotional intimacy (tolerance for vulnerability and emotional closeness).
Can Attachment Style Change?
Absolutely. Attachment styles are typically stable over time, although with dedicated self-exploration and self-awareness practice change is within reach. The first step is to become aware of your current attachment style. Self-reflection is key to understanding yourself in this way. Attachment quizzes are available which assist in this self-reflective process (The Attachment Project: https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/).
No matter your attachment style, it’s always possible to grow and improve the way you connect with others. With patience, self-awareness, and support, you can create the emotional intimacy and security that lead to fulfilling and lasting relationships.
If you’re ready to explore your attachment style and take the next step toward healthier, more secure relationships, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at Healing Pathways Counselling. Speaking with a therapist trained in attachment theory can help you understand your unique experiences and develop the tools needed for positive communication and emotional intimacy. Connect with us to start your journey toward stronger, more supportive relationships.
References
https://www.attachmentproject.com/
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/attachment-theory-and-attachment-styles
